Journal of Truth
by FredFanatic
Summary: A journal is passed around to the students of Hogwarts randomly, and is enchanted so each person will write down their deepest, darkest, most loathsome secrets. Only the creator can read what it says. So state your name, and divulge your utmost secrets.
1. Nasty Case of the Trots

**A/N: **Readers beware! This story is completely pointless, utterly ridiculous, and seriously crude! It's a strangely fascinating idea that came into my head this morning, and has nagged me to the point of causing me to post it. If you'd rather not know what is going on in the head's of the students of Hogwarts, then stop reading now! But, if you want a glimpse of the inner most thoughts of our favourite characters, then read on and see what _really _goes on inside our favourite school of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Not all of these students were at Hogwarts at the same time, but they were all there at some point or another, and they all attended school with the creators of the journal…whether it be as peers, teachers, or otherwise.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. Everything you recognize, including characters, plot points, settings, and scenes from the _Harry Potter_ series, belong to JK Rowling.

* * *

By the light of the dying fire in the common room, the pages of the journal flipped quietly. The silence was interrupted only by the periodic eruption of laughter from those reading, as the deepest, darkest secrets of the inhabitants of Hogwarts were unveiled…

_**The Journal of Truth**_

_Welcome all who enter. Please state your name, and divulge your utmost secrets._

* * *

_**Draco Malfoy**_

_When I first came to Hogwarts—first day of first year—the Sorting Hat told me I wasn't cunning enough to be a Slytherin. It wanted to put me in Hufflepuff. HUFFLEPUFF! My father would have had a fit!_

_I begged it to put me in Slytherin. Although the exchange only lasted seconds, for a moment I thought I was going to be stuck in that ruddy awful excuse for a House. I threatened it. I told the bloody shredded up piece of rubbish that I'd destroy any and all Mudbloods in the Hufflepuff house should it place me there._

_It agreed, because it didn't want to take that chance. _

…_I think it knew I was bluffing, though._

* * *

_**Cedric Diggory**_

_Cho Chang drives me mad. And not in a good way, either. _

_She's mentally unstable, I'm sure of it. _

_The only reason I asked her to the stupid Yule Ball was because I knew Harry wanted her. He's so obvious. But I couldn't let him beat me again. After that display on a broomstick with the Hungarian Horntail…call me a sore loser, but I wanted to win back a bit of pride._

_He won anyway. I think she prefers him. _

_Merlin knows why._

_The specks? The hair?_

_I __know__ I'm better looking than that!_

* * *

_**Dobby**_

_Harry Potter's feet smell really, really bad. _

_He's always giving Dobby gifts for special occasions. Christmas, Easter, summer holidays…and sometimes just to be nice. _

_Dobby really does appreciate it, honest. But sometimes Dobby just wishes Harry Potter would give him something other than mouldy old gym socks. Of course, Dobby does not question the motives of Mr. Harry Potter. He is far nobler and more brilliant than Dobby could ever hope to be. _

_But still…_

_Those sock fumes are really starting to make Dobby sick._

* * *

_**Percy Weasley**_

_I think I'm in love with Myrtle._

_Moaning Myrtle._

_I find her so captivating._

_She hangs around in the Prefects' bathroom quite a lot, and she's told me the most __fascinating__ stories. She knows Hogwarts better than any of the students…and I'd wager she knows more about the castle than at least half of the teachers. I think knowledge is just so important in a woman. Plus, her skin is so translucent and flawless…_

_She's so intriguing that I find myself running off to the lavatory while I should be studying…or patrolling the halls. _

_Penelope thinks I've got a nasty case of the trots. She's been avoiding me lately. _

_I prefer it to her knowing the truth._

_I only hope Myrtle doesn't tell her about that night she floated into the tub with me…_

* * *

**A/N:** Yeah…absolutely no idea what compelled me to do this…But I'm sure there will be more to come when another bought of insanity hits me!


	2. Never Been Kissed

Never in the history of time had something so genius…so hilarious…so utterly _cruel_ been created.

The pages of the journal were flipped through anxiously—almost violently, as raucous laughter erupted throughout the room.

Let's see what the journal had in store for us today…

_**The Journal of Truth**_

_Welcome all who enter. Please state your name, and divulge your utmost secrets._

* * *

_**Ron Weasley**_

_I name drop. _

_Being the best friend of Harry Potter has cast me into his shadow. If I want attention, I have to reach out and claim it, because it's not going to just find its way to me nilly-willy…er…I mean, willy-nilly._

_I know it's maybe a bit…wrong…to use Harry's name to get noticed, but what's a bloke to do? I can't get a girl worth anything to pay any sort of attention to me while I'm around him. Sure, Harry hasn't exactly got a group of ravenous female fans chasing after him at all hours of the day, but he still does better than me. _

_So can I really be blamed for using his name in casual conversation? It definitely does the trick._

_And you wouldn't believe the attention I get when I say I'm the brother of Fred and George Weasley. I mean, seriously! The Weasley family has always been known for being wretchedly poor…a bit strange, and in the case of the Slytherins, complete blood traitors. But now…those twins have turned us around. And I'm definitely enjoying the benefits. _

_Of course…once the girls realize I'm not willing to introduce them to my brothers, they run off._

_But still..._

_It's good while it lasts._

* * *

_**Oliver Wood**_

_Everyone thinks I'm quite the ladies' man. I'm the Gryffindor Quidditch captain, I'm talented, athletic, smart, good-looking…_

_I'll admit, I'm pretty well above average in comparison to the other blokes at Hogwarts. _

_But, the truth is…I've never kissed a girl before._

_It's not like I haven't had the opportunity. There seems to be a fan base of sorts that has formed around the student body. I'd be willing to wager that any one of its members would gladly snog me at any time of the day. But that just seems…impersonal. _

_Plus, with Quidditch practise every day of the week and planning for the future, I haven't had much time for girls. _

_It's not like I haven't __wanted__ to, though._

_Although, that seems to be the general consensus. There are plenty of rumours floating about the castle that explain my lack of interest toward girls._

"_Oliver Wood is seventeen and he's never been kissed by a girl. He must be gay, obviously"._

_Well I'm __not__!_

_Unfortunately, my history doesn't support that declaration._

_You see…I may have never kissed a __girl__ before…_

_Catch my drift?_

_It was __**ONE**__ drunken night and Roger Davies dared me to do it. My pride was at stake. I didn't have any other choice._

_Stupid Roger. I reckon he just wanted me out of the running for most eligible bachelor of Hogwarts. Once everyone thought I was gay, no one was willing to snog me. _

_Although, Montague was giving me curiously eager smiles for weeks afterwards._

_Poor Percy Weasley. I don't know who was more disturbed that night. Me, or him. We're both definitely scarred for eternity._

_Either way, he told everyone, and all of my guy friends disappeared after that. My room mates are __still__ avoiding me like the plague. _

* * *

_**Lavender Brown**_

_Harry Potter paid me to date Ron Weasley._

_I have no idea why he asked me to do it—something about making Hermione jealous and realize her inner feelings for the bloke. I didn't care enough to get all of the details. Harry just waved some silver sickles in front of my face and I agreed to his terms. I'm totally addicted to shopping, and every girl knows how important it is to keep up with the fashion trends. How am I supposed to do it without a paying salary?_

_Even so, I'm not sure why I agreed to do it. Ron's always wearing old jumpers that are far too small for him (I think his Mum knitted them when he was about eight!). Plus, absolutely __everything__ clashes with that ginger hair of his. It was embarrassing for me to even be around him. I haven't the foggiest idea what Hermione Granger sees in him (if she actually __does__ see anything in him like Harry suspects)._

_Well, I suppose Ron __is__ Harry Potter's best friend. That has to count for something. And he's on the Gryffindor Quidditch team. I guess he's not a total loser. _

…_and he's got Charlie Weasley as a brother—people around here __still__ talk about how great he was. And Fred and George—they're the most popular blokes in the castle._

_I suppose dating Ron really does have its perks._

…_I wonder if I could get more money out of Harry?_

* * *

_**Gregory Goyle**_

_I have a crush on Hermione Granger._

_That was almost painful to write down. But it's true._

_She's a stupid, foul, know-it-all little Mudblood…but I still adore her._

_I love the way she's always the first in class to put up her hand to give the answer to the professor. I love how she always gets it right. I love the way I can make her sneer when I laugh at one of Malfoy's jokes at her expense. I love that she's so cold and mean to me. _

_It's almost…sexy._

_I even know her middle name. It's Jean. Pretty, right?_

_I wrote a poem about her once…but Crabbe found it. He laughed his lousy arse off, and tried to go straight to Malfoy. I had to beat him senseless to stop him from telling. I can just imagine what Draco would have said if he read it. _

_I burned the poem after that. But I still know how it goes…_

_Her hair is as bushy as weeds 'round a lake,_

_Her teeth are bigger than I've ever seen._

_If she weren't a Mudblood, her hand I would take._

_Hermione Granger—my Queen._


	3. Power is Sexy

It had been ages since the makers of the Journal had seen some new secrets. At long last, the Journal of Truth found its way back to its masters. They ducked low and poured over the new entries…

_**The Journal of Truth**_

_Welcome all who enter. Please state your name, and divulge your utmost secrets._

* * *

_**Gilderoy Lockhart**_

_I hate people. All people. I'm sure my winning smile and flawless people skills make that hard to believe, but I assure you, it is the truth. _

_In fact, my hatred of people is what made me who I am today. After finishing school I vowed to never work an honest day in my life. My reasons for this were simple. If I didn't have to work, I'd never have to deal with people—not in the usual sense, anyway. Today the only people I need to face are witches and wizards who are infatuated with me, and that's really not difficult at all now is it? _

_So of course, I devised a simple, but brilliant plan. I've spent my professional career simply stealing credit for the work of other witches and wizards. Quite magical isn't it? I guess that's where my editors got the name for my latest published masterpiece—_Magical Me_. _

_These have been amongst the worst months of my life—being a Professor at Hogwarts. I hate kids even more than I hate adults. Although… these young girls are quite adept at spotting what a talent I am. I received a total of 36 letters from young admirers since I've been here._

_Perhaps there is hope for the human race after all._

* * *

_**Colin Creevey**_

_I don't know who Harry Potter is._

_Well, that's not entirely true. I've taken enough pictures of the bloke. I know his name… I know he's famous… but I don't really know _why_._

_My parents are Muggle born, so they didn't know the story of Harry Potter and You-Know-Who. When we all learned I was a wizard they screened a lot of the information I was going to be exposed to at school. When they heard about Harry, they thought the real story was too scary. I got the watered-down version. _

_My friends think it's funny, so no one's told me what really happened. _

_I know it has something to do with the Dark Lord disappearing… but aside from that, he's just a skinny boy with a funny scar on his head. _

_For all I know, Harry Potter did a dance so offensive that You-Know-Who vowed never to be seen again._

_I've really got to track him down and get some answers… maybe some autographs to go with some pictures, too!_

_Hey, there he is now…_

* * *

_**Marcus Flint**_

_Professor McGonagall is beautiful._

_I've never said that to anyone before, but I'm saying it now. She is beautiful._

_I'm sure not many would agree. Minerva McGonagall is an old bird and not a very nice one at that. She's grouchy, especially with us Slytherins—and especially us Slytherin Quidditch players. But that doesn't matter. She's so strong. So stern. She knows exactly how to take care of herself._

_I can't focus in Transfiguration class because of her… although, I can't really focus in any of my classes. I'm failing almost everything. I almost wish I was in Gryffindor house so she could scold me about my grades instead of Snape. I don't think anyone could ever call _him_ beautiful. I wouldn't mind listening to McGonagall talk about what a useless lump I am. She has the most beautiful voice._

_So why McGonagall? I've asked myself before. I guess it's the strength in which she carries herself. She doesn't take crap from anyone._

_Oh… Minerva._

_Power is so sexy._

* * *

_**Argus Filch**_

_I try not to let the faculty know this, but I adore children! If they found out, they wouldn't let me punish them anymore. I'm too easy on them. Cleaning bedpans, polishing trophies, going into the Forbidden Forest—all easy, pleasant work I have them do because I can't bear to see them miserable. _

_Of course, the students like to make a game of it. They pretend the work is horrible, and I go along with it. The way they complain and moan… you'd think they downright despise me! But that can't be right…_

_Cleaning out bedpans is fun…_

_Right?_

_But it must be! Some of them act out so often it would be absurd to think they're not enjoying themselves. Those Weasley twin pranksters have had more detentions than I can count, so there can't be another explanation. They _must_ enjoy spending time with me._

_Mustn't they?_

_Sure, they scowl at me and I yell at them, but that doesn't mean we're not friends?_

_Right?_

…

_I'm going to find Mrs. Norris._


End file.
